Baby, It’s Cold Outside (Don’t Walk Around Looking Like a Tool)!

It happened again today.  Once again, I witnessed the most disturbing fashion blunder since low-rise jeans.  These sightings have grown far too numerous to simply ignore.  I knew I had to take action.  Fabulous action!
 
Citizens of the DC metro area, please do the following (it could change your life):  look at your winter coats!  (This means men, too!)  That’s right, I need you to stop for a moment and take a look at your winter coats.  All of you–please!  Do you have your winter coat there with you?  Excellent.  Now, turn it around.  That’s right—look at the BACK of your winter coat.  Is there, perhaps, a “vent” or “flap” on the back of the coat, at the very bottom?  Something like this, maybe?

What’s that? Your coat has a vent, but your vent is sewn shut–just at the bottom–by a cute little “X” stitch?  Hmmm, yes . . . I see.  Well, I’ve got good news and bad news for you! The good news is that this article was written especially for you.  The bad news?  Well, I hate to be critical, but it’s just that . . . you sort of look like a tool!  See, you were supposed to cut that little “X” stitch and open the vent before wearing the coat!  (The “X” stitch is just for shipping and displaying the coat.  No one thought you were going to wear it around like that.  Seriously.)

I am literally amazed at how many “sewn vents” I witness in the DC metro area every day!  (Isn’t your coat a little tight “down there”?  Really?)  Ah well, no worries DC!  I’ve got you covered (err, vented)!
PS:  These instructions also apply to suit jackets, as well as those labels sewn to the forearm, listing the fabric content.   (Yikes!)